11 Dec 08 Letters of Complaint - Ocean Spray Cranberry Juice

One from the archive, but still raises a smile when I read it…

Concerned about the amount of sea water in “Ocean Spray” Cranberry drinks, we got in touch for clarification…
____________________________________

—– Original Message —–
From: madeup@email.com
To: craninfobureau@fieldmcnallyleathes.co.uk
Sent: Saturday, April 12, 2003 11:15 AM
Subject: Cranberry juice
Sir,

I am considering whether or not to purchase a bottle of your advertised Ocean Spray Cranberry and Blackcurrant Drink from a local shop. I am perhaps a little cautious in trying new things, but I would like to clear up a few minor points before I rush out and spend my money.

Firstly, I would like to know what particular ocean spray is used in the manufacture of your drink, I am quite sensitive to high levels of sodium in my diet.  Also, I wish to make sure, that the spindrift used is hygienically treated to remove normal seawater contaminants.  Please confirm that it comes from a European Blue Flag certified source.

Secondly, your product claims to use American Cranberries, am I to assume that these are of the highest standard; and better than a British equivalent?

Third, and finally, on the bottle I examined in the supermarket, other products mentioned were “Cranberry Classic”, and “Cranberry and Raspberry”.  In light of the above, I wish to know whether you produce any products made solely with British fruit, perhaps a refreshing Loganberry and redcurrant Spritz?

My Best regards

A Madeupname (Mr)
____________________________________

Their First response was not what we expected…
____________________________________

—– Original Message —–
From: kerry@******.co.uk
To: madeup@email.com
Sent: Monday, April 14, 2003 8:58 AM
Subject: RE: Cranberry juice

Ju

He sounds like he could be a tricky customer!!!!. One for you, Can you help?

Kerry
____________________________________

So we sent it back…
____________________________________

—– Original Message —–
From: madeup@email.com
To: kerry@******.co.uk
Sent: Monday, April 14, 2003 9:26 AM
Subject: RE: Cranberry juice
Dear Kerry,

Somehow I do not think that you meant to send this e-mail to me.

Regards

Mr Madeupname
____________________________________

And a couple of days later they gave us an answer…
____________________________________

—–Original Message—–
From: Judy B*****s [mailto:judy@******.co.uk]
Sent: 17 April 2003 14:35
To: madeup@email.com
Subject: Cranberry Juice
Dear Mr Madeupname

Thank you for your recent e-mail.  Please rest assured that Ocean Spray Cranberry Juice Drinks is produced to the highest standards and all rigorous regulations laid down by legislation are adhered to.

Ocean Spray is made under license by a reputable major drinks manufacturer whose expertise and status make them one of the leading manufacturers of juice and juice drinks in the UK.  They supply the majority of branded and unbranded products into UK retailers.

If you would like to send your address we will send you some further information and a free coupon for one of Ocean Spray’s Juice Drinks.

Best wishes

Judy B*****s

Judy B*****s
Account Director
Field McNally Leathes Ltd.
Field House
8 High Street
Hurstpierpoint
West Sussex
BN6 9TY
Tel: 01273 834716
Fax: 01273 834306
Website: www.******.co.uk
E-mail: judy@******.co.uk
____________________________________

So we said thanks and offered them some help…
____________________________________

—–Original Message—–
From: madeup@email.com
Sent: 19 April 2003 08:58
To: ‘Judy b*****s’
Subject: RE: Cranberry Juice
Dear Judy

Many thanks for your response to my enquiry.

When I received your e-mail, I rushed out, and bought the bottle of Cranberry and Blackcurrant juice I had promised myself.  I was a little surprised that the drink had not been made from “Ocean Spray”, but I was delighted with the flavour and will most certainly be trying out the other flavours advertised with your money off voucher.

I was interested to read that your company also produces drinks under other labels.  As you may remember from my original E-mail, I am a devotee of the loganberry and the redcurrant, and think that the marriage of the unique flavours of these most English of fruits would make a delightful addition to your range.

Please could you let me know whether this product is manufactured at the moment, and if not, when it will be.  I currently make this drink myself from a recipe I inherited from my beloved Aunt Jessica (decd) and as a tribute to her, I would be delighted to share this family secret with you.

Kindest regards

A Madeupname (Mr)
____________________________________

and they continued to play along…
____________________________________

—– Original Message —–
From: judy@******.co.uk
To: madeup@email.com
Sent: Tuesday, April 22, 2003 8:10 AM
Subject: RE: Cranberry Juice
Dear James

Thanks for getting back to us and I hope that you had a good Easter. At the moment Ocean Spray do not produce a redcurrant or loganberry blend of juice or juice drinks but should we hear of any launch plans we will let you know.  Meanwhile you may be interested in trying Ocean Spray’s latest flavour - Cranberry & Mango - to the Light range.

Would be very interested in seeing your Aunt’s recipe!

Thanks

Judy
____________________________________

I never sent Judy the recipe for my Loganberry and Redcurrant spritz - some family secrets are best kept!
____________________________________

Tags: comedy, complaints, cranberry juice

08 Dec 08 The 7 Most Exclusive Clubs in the World

The idea of being in an exclusive club is appealing to everybody. But what are the chances of you getting in any of these clubs?

Ejection Tie Club
Membership = 5,607

The ejection tie club is a global club, open to fast jet pilots who have survived ejecting in a Martin Baker ejection seat.

Out of 7,195 recorded ejections, there are only 5,607 members. Probably because the other 1,588 are dead. If you are one of the lucky ones that survived ejecting at speed, and want a tie to show off in the pub, apply here.

Shuttlecock Club
Membership = 1300

The Shuttlecock club is a club for people who didn’t die when they bailed on the Cresta Run. Competitive riders go down the Cresta Run on a tray at speeds of close to 80mph.

Unsurprisingly, this results in carnage, including high speed accidental amputations and a number of deaths. Anyone who manages to survive crashing off at the lethal Shuttlecock corner gets membership of the Shuttlecock club, and probably some counselling. They also get a free go down the run once they’re back on their feet. There are some wince inducing videos of people earning their membership here

Masters of wine
Membership = 277

Like dark lords of the grape, this tiny group of drinkers are true masters of wine. Just 277 people around the world have gained the requisite amount of knowledge needed to join the club - although anyone is eligible provided they can complete the course.

If your liver is up to the challenge, you can apply to be member 278 here.

Order of the Garter
Membership = 26
You know that you’re getting into the upper echelons of exclusivity when you need an invitation from the queen (and the death of a member of the aristocracy) to get in. Membership of the Order of the Garter is limited to the British sovereign, the Price of Wales and another 24 members.

If you’re not on the list already, the chances are that you’re not going to get into this one’ although you can probably increase your chances by getting elected to parliament and then becoming prime minister. Otherwise, you’ll probably need to rely on reincarnation into the royal family. Either way, it’s not going to be easy!

Climbers that have climbed all 14 8000m+ mountains.
Membership = 14

So far, only 14 people can genuinely claim to have climbed all 14 of the 8000m+ mountains. It takes a while to complete this - the fastest was Carlos Carsolio who took 10 years, and is also the youngest member of this uber-exclusive club of adventurers. For added difficulty, you could emulate Alberto Inurrategui who did it without bottled oxygen.

Brilliantly, you don’t actually need any proof of actually completing the feat to join the club, although according to Adventure Stats

“The Explorer is believed to be telling the truth. It is considered a point of honor which most explorers hold higher than the success of the expedition.”

People who have walked on the moon
Membership = 12
Only 12 people have ever achieved this since Neil Armstrong in 1969, and no one has managed it in the last 36 years - although this could change in the next few years, with both the Americans and the Chinese planning a return to the moon before 2020.

There is even a subgroup for those lucky enough to have driven on the moon. This has just 6 members. The official lunar land speed record is a fairly pedestrian 8mph, though unfortunately, the holder’s name is not recorded. Should you want to join this group, and you don’t find yourself on the NASA waiting list, you could always fund your own attempt. It’s reckoned that a successful lunar mission could be staged for around $100 billion. Not cheap!

Marianas Trench Explorers
Membership = 2
There are plenty of people who are the only one to have done something, but their exploits don’t really count as a club - the meetings at the pub would be like a gathering of survivors of the Crimean war.
The title of most exclusive club in the world must surely go to the group of divers who have managed to reach the deepest point in the Earth’s oceans, the bottom of the Marianas Trench.

There are two members, Don Walsh and Jacques Piccard who sank dived the almost 11KM to the bottom in the Bathyscaphe Trieste in 1960. They saw some mud, a shrimp, and what may have been a flounder.
There are no plans to repeat this feat. Ever.

Tags: climbing, clubs, exclusive, explorers